They Want To Eat Your Teeth
The biggest criticism of this movie is that the most terrifying part comes at the very beginning: A hundred years ago, the owner of Blackwood Manor lures his maid to the basement and rips out her teeth, in order to appease the goblins who have taken his son.
It doesn't work. Goblins are tricky that way.
In modern times, Guy Pearce plays an architect bent on renovating the Rhode Island pile. He moves in with his girlfriend (Katie Holmes) and emotionally distant daughter, Sally (Bailee Madison, who was freaking insufferable in that terrible movie Just Go WIth It; she's pretty good here).
The goblins are stoked about the new family! Apparently they feed upon human bone and teeth, turning the decalcified ones into fellow goblins. Which is efficient -- and also totally gruesome. Needless to say, weird shit starts going down. And, in the vein of all haunted house movies ever, Sally is shushed, ignored and blamed as an attention-seeking little wench.
Eventually, Katie Holmes also comes to believe in the goblins, which I guess aren't necessarily more far-fetched than certain thetan-based religions.
So far, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark probably sounds like a fairly run-of-the-mill scary movie. Fortunately, it was produced (not directed, sadly) by Guillermo del Toro, the mastermind behind such creatively terrifying movies as Cronos (streaming on Netflix, watch it!) and Pan's Labyrinth. The movie pretty much raises the bar on all haunted houses: It's so scary and lusciously dark and dusty that it makes other haunted houses look like suburban tract homes.
And then there are the goblins. They will give me nightmares, these shadowy creatures who feast on teeth (ugh! teeth!?), with their elongated reaching arms. And their voices! High-pitched whispers calling to Sally, "We've been waiting for you. We want to be your friend."
Freaky.
Still, it's too bad that the terror of the opening scene is never matched again. And actually, the whole backstory sounds a lot more frightening than the one set in modern times. Maybe a prequel? Please?
