Don't Stop Believing
You know who goes to see Journey 2: The Mysterious Island? Those parents who, with straight faces, speak of "babysitting" their biological children. (Note: It is impossible to "babysit" people for whom you are legally responsible.) The terminology indicates a certain disengagement with the whole parenting process, which naturally leads to a profound discomfort when in the company of one's offspring. A discomfort that leads one to think that an outing to see Journey 2 is a viable alternative to ball-throwing or conversation-having.
The other people who see this movie are birthday parties for 9 year olds.
That said, The Mysterious Island really does not suck as much as it seems like it's going to. The downside of this is that the backup parents won't be punished as severely as they deserve. The upside is that their children will be genuinely entertained.
Don't get me wrong: This movie is utterly forgettable. Neither Michael Caine (!) nor The Rock nor Luis Guzman nor Vanessa Hudgens' innate adorability can rescue this film from the dregs of mediocrity. Hell, if Michael Caine can't, none of those other people stand a chance. Still, at least you can tell that they tried. And the whole attempt to tie things in with super awesome stories (ie, books) is nice, though the connection is only of the most tenuous kind.
The Mysterious Island reminded me of nothing so much as an updated version of The Swiss Family Robinson -- tropical paradise, fun animal companions, a sweet treehouse. Why would you ever want to leave such a place?
Oh right, because it's about to be swallowed by the ocean.
You are not at any disadvantage if you haven't seen the first Journey movie, ...to the Center of the Earth. Brendan Fraser, who played Sean's uncle, isn't in this one. I guess the only really important slice of backstory was that Sean (Josh Hutcherson) and his uncle discovered his (Sean's) long-missing dad's corpse in the first movie and establish that Sean is a natural-born explorer and also that it's cool for The Rock to be his stepdad.
In fact, The Rock's desire to forge a close stepfatherly relationship with Sean is the MacGuffin that puts the story in motion. Sean has received an ornately encrypted call for help from his long-missing grandfather (apparently AWOL runs in families), which The Rock helps him decode. We never find out why grandpa (Caine) sent the message in the first place, but whatever. The Rock's first attempt at bonding was such a success, that he decides to take it a step further: Why not journey to the most remote Pacific and search for grandpa together? You know, a guys' weekend to the other side of the world.
When they get there, they hire an buffoonish guide, Luis Guzman, and his daughter, Vanessa Hudgens. This is ironic, this casting of brownish, "ethnic" actors to play the natives, because get this: The Rock himself is an actual, real-life Polynesian. Ah, c'est la Hollywood.
Their helicopter gets smashed up in a storm and, unlike in real helicopter accidents, nobody dies. Not only that, they crash on the very island they were trying to reach. Talk about coincidence!
The island is pretty awesome, like the Swiss Family one, except that the animals that are supposed to be big (elephants) are tiny and the animals that should be small (lizards) are ginormous. Oh yeah, also Atlantis. That's where this is. Apparently, it migrated 8,000 miles from Ancient Greece. Oh right, and Michael Caine is there, obviously.
And they have to leave right away, before the island is swallowed once again by the sea. Fortunately, since this movie presupposes that Jules Verne's books are nonfiction, they have all the information they need to escape by the skin of their teeth. Cue Captain Nemo's submarine.
